xstayinbed

Apr 23

okay don’t listen to me, i’m fine. i just have my moments. the sun and a cup of tea will fix most things.

having a really fun, second, unwarranted, spiral into darkness moment. i don’t miss you (or you, or you, or you). i’m not upset that my first date in years went less than great. i am okay with where i am in my life. i’m just having an existential moment of not understanding who i am or why i have to be me. i’m listening to old third eye blind as if i still knew how to cry. i don’t like thinking about things that happened sequentially before this moment. i don’t like thinking about all the people i never speak to anymore and probably will only speak to in dreams in the future. i don’t like thinking about how my hands are the only hands that caress my body like it’s a treasure. i wish i was stronger. i wish i could condense my life into one bite and savor that mouthful for all time. i listened to your band again and it didn’t help, but it didn’t hurt more either. i’m sitting here wondering if i’ll ever be able to accept getting older. i have a bad feeling i won’t.

Mar 30

and like clockwork, here you are, showing up in all my dreams for the past 5 or 6 nights, as i try to push you of my mind in my waking life. hey unconscious, you can stop now though, this is getting a bit old.

Mar 22

i should have known that this was happening. i was getting by too easy this winter, and i cant help but crave the desperation, the feeling of losing it all. the joke is, i never even had you. i let myself wrap my head around the idea of the two of us. maybe i really did have feelings for you. at times it seems i hardly liked you, stupid little things that would annoy me, but still i had this odd feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. something simple, but stronger than i’ve felt in a while. i felt like i was ready to try again, in a genuine way. i felt like i was getting better. it didn’t matter to me that you had moved across the ocean. but you met someone new, and life played out in an expected fashion. of course i can’t be mad. but i’m much more hurt than i expected to be. i wonder if i should have tried to fight for you, to be strong and lay out all my feelings on the table. but i buckled under the pressure. and i can feel the past eight years bubbling up in me, tempting me to finally confront all the shit i tried to wish away. i’m lonely. i’m tired. i can watch myself fall apart with perfect clarity this time. but it’s not really falling apart. like i’m drinking and making all the motions, but it doesn’t have the same conviction anymore. i know i’ll be fine in a few weeks, or months. i’ve seen myself go through this a thousand times, with everyone i fall for. but even though i can accept the way things have to be, i still mourn for what we could have had. my only consolation is that i picked up a paintbrush for the first time in months, and i even wrote a stupid new song. i guess i’ll just try to ignore you now until the hurt goes away. and then we can go back to being friends who drift apart but still try to keep in touch often enough, and all will be right in the world again.

Jan 17

it’s funny how many different people we can be over the course of our lives. and how some of those people never meet other real people, they just dwell inside you and lead their own lives and sometimes come out when you write or make art or dream at night. it would be strange to be in a room with all the other kate’s who wrote on tumblrs and livejournals and all the xangas back in the day and talk about things. sometimes i miss the other me’s. even though i know i’ve moved past them and need to be a different person at the current point in my life, it’s still strange to think of all the people i’ve grown out of and left behind. i wonder where they ended up, and if they are happy. or if they just faded away back into the background noise of the universe.

anyway. another night of a strange series of dreams involving men from my past and present… one made me laugh, one made me cry, and one made me scared and angry. i also almost got evicted from my apartment and lost a tooth in the last one. but me in the sad dream started a painting, and now i feel motivated to find a way to commit myself to working on art pieces more consistently. i really, desperately need to start being more disciplined in this way. i even have access to use a print shop again this semester! there are so many things i need to make but i won’t let myself get overwhelmed or filled with doubt or fear this time. i can do this! >.<

Oct 31

Oh wow! I haven’t been on here in ages! I turn 27 today! Life still has its shit moments but I’m feeling great! I don’t want to stop using exclamation points!

but on a real note, moving was probably the most amazing thing I could do for myself. and I love the grad program I just started. and my new short hair. I even like adjusting to suburban life (of course not forever, I could never go too far from the city…). sometimes it almost doesn’t feel like my real life because the past year or two (or eight) before this had been so dark but now I am ever so slowly crawling back into my own skin and feeling good about it and ready to accomplish some shit in this world! and maybe even talk myself into going on real dates again! …okay maybe not dating but we’ll see. the sun is shining and I’m getting out of bed and the world is full of colors again.

oh and happy halloween! :)

Apr 10

i haven’t been on here in ages.
been drifting for a while.

side note to all the weird porn blogs that randomly keep following me can you please stop i’m just going to block you…

Jan 13